Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in jeffmount's LiveJournal:

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Monday, January 23rd, 2006
4:04 pm	New blog address Oh yeah, someone reminded me that you need a link to the new location. http://jeffmount.blogspot.com/ (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 19th, 2006
3:48 pm	Moving blogs So, I'm up and moving. Sadly, livejournal doesn't give as many publishing options as blogger.com, so I switched over. And just when people start reading it too. Does anyone know how to link the two? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 14th, 2006
1:41 pm	Loneliness and fear of failure It's a tough day when you find out that some weakness you operate out of...some flaw, some drawback, has affected the way you act with other people, it's affected the way you make decisions on your own, and ultimately it's affected your relationship with God. So, you can imagine how much harder it is when I've found two relatively distinct things that have been impacting my life in this way. They are loneliness and fear of failure. Somewhere along the line I stopped realizing that if no other person is around, I am still wrapped in God's presence. He is with me at home or when I'm out and about, but regardless, I'm with him and he's with me. He's ready to acknowledge my presence even when I'm not ready to acknowledge his. And when I don't acknowledge his, I feel alone. And, feeling alone, I desperately seek out the company of others. A good friend of mine told me over the past week that I have an unusually high tolerance for social interaction. Meaning, most people get worn out after a certain amount of time around other people. I seem to have a much higher threshold for that sort of thing. I can go from activity to event to hang-out to gathering without blinking an eye. I rarely get tired of being around other people, and even then it normally only happens when I feel like those people who I'm around are taking from me and not giving back...in other words, I get drained of my ability to interact. But this doesn't normally happen. And I wonder to what extent does this tendency keep me from quieting myself, asking myself the tough questions about where I am focused in my heart. I read an article earlier today that mentioned Socrates' (I think) quote, "The unexamined life is not worth living". Of course, I always tend to overexamine, and to counter-balance that (or just shut it out completely), I often gather around me a great big group of people who will occupy my focus and my thoughts so I don't have to constantly question myself. But here's the funny thing. Once I'm actually alone, I don't do all that bad. I start to enjoy it. It forces me to be creative about how I spend my time. I tend to read more and write more...I tend to think more. I get more done when I give myself a certain amount of time alone. And I definitely tend to pursue God more diligently, because it's not as easy to let myself be distracted by the issues of others. So why is something so healthy and, ultimately even enjoyable, also so scary to me? My other handicap that I stumbled upon this week is the fear of failure. I constantly am in a situation where I am measuring my performance. Perhaps it's working out and exercising. Perhaps it's leading worship or a link group. Perhaps it's simply being in a relationship, like with my wife Michelle or with some other friend. But I see in all of these situations the possibility of failing. I may fail my own expectations, or I may fail the expectations that other people have for me. There was a time (although this specific situation is no longer my perspective) where I could not make a differentiation between the wrongness of saying mean words to someone and the imperfection of not getting an A in a college class. Imperfection and outright wrongness somehow got equated in my mind, and I was failing myself and the people around me every time I did less than perfect. And again, as in most other things, the temporary manifestations of such things reflect a larger scope of failure which makes me feel like I'm failing God. Pause: It's at this point in my writing that I realize I will always to some extent be imperfect and fail other people, even God. I realize this from experience, as well as all theoretical knowledge I've ever been exposed to. This is something I understand cognitively and intellectually, yet my heart does not stop the expectations just because I know they're inappropriate. It's often very helpful to have a heart and a mind that can work independantly of each other...I can make a right decision even when my mood or my heart isn't in it, and then wait for my emotions to catch up with the truth. Or, I can remind others of the truth even when i have sympathy for their sincere, yet falsely based feelings. But, it's at times like this where in my mind I know the truth, and my heart is very slowgoing in aligning itself with the truth. Unpause. So in prayer this morning as I was driving to work I confessed to God my fear of failure. I confessed the fact that, in success or failure, I was focused on myself and my own accomplishments, rather than in God's love. I need to continually release it, because although I'm temporarily unburdened by that fear, it is stealthy and will work its way back into my life if I let it. I continually pray that God would protect me from a perfectionist attitude, and that I would be able to trust in Him to assign value to what I do, not my own performance or accomplishment. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
6:45 pm	Praying for enemies On the soulhorizon.com message boards, someone brought up the godhatesfags.com website, of Westboro Baptist Church. Apparantly these are people who believe that God is bringing judgment upon our country because we tolerate homosexuality and other "sins". They also believe, or claim to believe, that every tragedy to beset our country, from 9/11 to Hurricane Katrina to soldiers dying in Iraq is directly related to God's judgment. So, because it's God's work to let these things happen, they rejoice in the fact that people are suffering, because they believe it to be God's divine punishment, based on "righteousness". The leader of this church is named Fred Phelps, Sr. Many Christians got riled up at the fact that God's name was being used to propegate hatred and lies. Rightly so. We should be indignant when individuals choose to drag God's name through the mud, especially when in doing so they claim to belong to Him. But then talk went very quickly to what was appropriate punishment/reaction to these people, and many of the Christians felt as though it would be okay to remove them by force...or at least expressed the sentiment that it would be allright if a natural disaster killed them and they were no longer around. It's interesting, because i'm probably one of the few people involved in the discussion that, previously in life, I have experienced hatred of another human being so much that I was willing to kill that person. Thankfully, God saved me from that by introducing me to Jesus Christ and having all that anger and hatred washed away by His forgiveness. So I felt very much like "that guy" (you know, that guy who always has the right answers...that guy who knows everything and won't allow himself to be wrong...that guy who has to take the high road and make sure that everyone else around him knows it)...I felt very much like "that guy" when I suggested that, rather than decide this person's fate before Almighty God, that we should pray for him. Wouldn't it be awesome if someone so renowned for their hatred and evil thoughts, words, and actions, was inexplicably transformed into a humble being who tearfully sought forgiveness from the people he formerly persecuted. That would definitely show what amazing power God has to redeem even the most abhorrant of human beings. But then it struck me...why don't I think like that more often? Why was it so easy for me to see the need for grace in that situation, and it's so hard for me to see the need to give grace in a myriad of other situations? It's crazy, and perhaps I'm questioning too much a time where I actually thought correctly about an issue...but I desire to be more gracious to even the most disgusting sinner, because if I value the sacrifice of Christ to its fullest extent, I will see that these people are by no means outside of grace's reach. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 4th, 2006
12:25 am	Niebuhr's Christ and Culture Found out today that I officially finished my undergrad degree at UMBC. I hadn't heard anything, and I called 5-6 times in the past few weeks to the Academic Services office, to no avail. So, I went and visited the office on campus, and after a few frustrating minutes of recounting the convoluted story, they checked and realized that the only reason I didn't hear anything is that Fall '05 grades haven't been posted yet. So I would have gotten an official announcement on Jan 18th, but I know for sure now. Very exciting and very thankful for that news. Also, as I keep having graduate school on my mind, I've really dived (dove/doven?) into H. Richard Niebuhr's "Christ and Culture". It's a great book, and even though it was written some sixty years ago, it is especially timely. A must-read for anyone who is in on the emergent church conversation. Anyway, I'm about halfway through it, and so far he's taken a lengthy definition of what he means by Christ. Not just the person of Christ, but also the values, commands, actions, example, atoning work on the Cross, and continuing incarnation via the Kingdom of God/Body of Christ/Church that carries on his legacy on earth. He expounds upon that, and almost lost me in vaguely familiar, yet overly wordly descriptions of certain aspects of Christology. Then he dives into a definition of culture, which was more interesting and a bit harder to grasp. Culture is basically everything surrounding us of human invention...from language to philosophy, art, politics, economics, food, dress, customs, superstitions, recreation, family-unit structures, and on and on and on. Although it made sense, I guess I never realized that "culture" as such was so pervasive. I suppose I still held onto a certain degree of objectivity that, if I so choose, temporarily, I could seperate myself out and my identity from that of the culture surrounding me. Yet, the very language I do to express it, and the mental pictures i would use to envision such a seperation, are culturally-driven, and thus I express cultural ties in the very act of attempting to sever them for the moment. It was good for me to understand in humility the power of cultlure...and see how deep the influence really goes. Then Niebuhr goes on to outline 5 basic responses from different Christians and groups of Christians in the past 2000 years to the problem of reconciling Christ and Culture. They are as follows (this is taken from my notes which I was typing out as i read...nerdy I know, but I had so much swirling around in my head as I finished the first major subsection that I had to slow my thoughts down to make sense of them): .- The first is to purely see the demand of culture as contrary to that of Christ, and the follower of Christ must categorically reject the demands of culture if he is to follow Christ (antithetical). -The second is that Christ and culture are in agreement with the demands, and that one cannot appease the first without also seeking to appease the second(agreement). -The third is like the second in that the demands are not conflicting, but in agreement, yet also adds the idea that Christ increases, extends, and adds gifts, values, and goals that culture does not, but to the extent that culture expresses its values, it fundamentally agrees with that of Christ. (synthetic). -The fourth is more like the first, but rather than a categorical rejection of culture, the believers here see a grudging similarity between some of the demands, so a hesitant truce is made between the two, seeing them as majoritarily conflicting but at points agreeing, and thus a line must be walked to balance the conflict. (tension). - The fifth is one where, as in the first, the values of Christ and those of culture are seen as contradictory, yet rather than escaping the world, one must see Christ as the transforming and redeeming agent in culture, which requires neither an abandonment of culture as in the antithetical position, or a suspicious compromise as in the fourth, but requires continual engagement by Christ, and thus also by Christians, into the cultural context to change the fallen nature of culture and bring it up to speed with the values of Christ (transformative). (sidenote: it feels as though this book has jump-started my brain back into the theoretical-yet-not-purely-so mode of thought that I was in at the best times during my undergrad. I found it interesting that the news about my undergraduate finishing up, as I'm preparing to apply to grad school, all came while I was nostalgically indulging my sleeping intellect in some good, hearty exercise). In my experience of various slices of Christian community as well as of culture, I believe that most Christians shift back and forth between these answers because at one time or another, the different perspectives have more to offer them than the one held by their community. For instance, when talking about evangelism…sharing the gospel, reaching the people of the world, people tend to take either the synthetic or the transformative approach, because those are the two perspectives that view culture not as simply dangerous, but as worth dealing with, yet also view culture as insufficient and lacking the very things that Christ can supply to the human experience. The tension perspective is also taken by these evangelistic persons, but is less effective because these people often fail to fully invest in the world around them in a way that bridges the gap. I myself, as a bartender, had to take either an agreement, synthetic, or transformative view, because the cultural position of a bartender had to be affirmed and spiritualized in my perspective for me to off-set the dangers of dealing with alcohol and the attendant temptations on a regular basis. An antithetical person would see that the social construct of a bar is in direct hostility to the value demands that Christ places on a person, and holding such a position would therefore be inherently sinful. Although the thinking behind taking such a position was more transformative or synthetic, by which I took the camaraderie and fellowship that occurs among drinkers and attempted to redeem it for Kingdom purposes, my day-to-day experience of culture and my spiritual life was more tension, by which I struggled to maintain Christ-centeredness while seeking to meet somewhat minimal demands the world placed upon me. When I then sinned in some culturally recognizable way, and when I could draw a causal relationship between my interaction with the world around me and my sin, I usually went in the direction of an antithetical perspective, and I sought to jettison any and all ties to culture around me in an attempt to become sanctified by the simultaneous rejection of the cultural values and attachment to the values of Christ. This often worked on a very temporary basis, before I then would be dissatisfied with my ability to allow my relationship with Christ to impact the world around me in a synthetic or a transformative manner. The second perspective, the agreement perspective, comes most into play when I think about the role of academics and my relationship with Christ. Since all knowledge ultimately has its origin in God, then a cultural construct which has its end at increasing, preserving, and transferring knowledge, would ultimately be coincidentally func tioning according to the goals and values of Christ. There was little, if any tension in the two concurrent pursuits of goals, and when there was such a tension, it came not at the institution’s structure itself, but rather in the character and interpretation of the individuals involved (e.g.-a professor who takes great pride in his academic accomplishment and position, resulting in the alienation of his students, colleagues, and others not in the academic environment.). Does the cultural institution breed such a situation? Only when met with universally abhorrant human characteristics that none of the five perspective affirms since it is blatantly at odds with the perspective of Christ. (basically what I did was simply cut and paste the notes I took as I read...so that was my observation) Another side note: I had an interesting idea for a book the other day...one that I would be somewhat uniquely qualified to write and one that I think i could commit to several years of work on if ever I had the option of publishing it. It would be on the idea of Spirituality and Combat. I would do a comparative study of the intermixing of religion and warfare over the course of history, and take military history in light of religious development, or vice versa. Because of the jihadist thinking of radical Muslims today, and because of such historical activities as the Catholic Conquistadors, imperialist/missionary activity, and the Crusades, the combination of military discipline, training, etc with religious fervor and spiritual depth of belief has gotten quite the bad reputation. Because my Krav Maga training is so driven by my relationship with God, and because God chose to use my martial arts background as one of many venues that He communicated Himself to me, I feel compelled to make some sort of grasp toward redeeming the mixture. It would probably be less popular with the more freethinking relativist happy folks (Nick Hughes calls them "earth biscuits"), but would have good integrity among serious students of history because the connection is blatantly there, for better or worse. Just noticing that I seem to have an insatiable desire to write lately. It's almost like when an athlete of sorts spends an extended period of time with not exercise, and then gets up to work out. At first it feels awkward and weak, but quickly his/her instincts come rolling back and he/she is on his/her way back to strong performance. Simply put, it feels like my mind is back to normal, and I don't mind in the slightest that I tried to sleep for a half hour, but wasn't able to, and now I'm up losing sleep but writing. Back to normal in a way, I suppose. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2006
6:29 pm	Conversations I've realized that talking with people is one of my most favorite things to do. Recently it has had one of the most helpful effects upon me. The nature of a true conversation is that it is a mutual giving and recieving of ideas, feelings, thoughts, and information. Expression of such things I think often makes them real. There are things inside my head and my heart...perceptions, observations, feelings, etc. that have not really seemed to be valid and authentic until I express them to others. Tonight I had a conversation with two people who I don't know super well, but I enjoy very much. We were able to express frustration over past experiences with church and current struggles as well. It wasn't planned or scheduled to do so, but it happened as a natural outgrowth of other things going on. It used to be that I was much more excited about talking than I was about listening. Thank God that I have learned some of the damaging effects of such a mindset. Now I still struggle with being a good listener, but I know I've come a long way from where I used to be. So much of the enjoyable parts of the conversation tonight was listening, being exposed to ideas, and thinking about the new thoughts that had been presented, instead of simply thinking about what I was going to say next when I got the chance. Part of what we talked about tonight, which has been on my mind for awhile, is the importance of asking questions. It is always said in elementary school, and onward, that if you don't understand something the teacher says, make sure to ask questions. "There's no such thing as a stupid question.." and other such addages are thrown out there to reinforce the process of asking questions. I think this is important in social interactions as well, and it is essential to spiritual growth. History has shown the detrimental effects of churches and other spiritual communities who don't allow the freedom to ask questions, or leaders who don't take seriously the questions of those they are leading, or an organization that simply doesn't have good answers to the questions asked, either because the question is not seen as valuable, or the question-asker is not seen as valuable. However, a converse perspective was also offered to me by a history professor of mine. He said that in his classes, for the first few weeks, he does not really allow questions to be asked in class, especially of a philosophical nature concerning historical events and settings, because he feels strongly that students do not yet even have enough information to ask the questions that will lead to a greater understanding of the material. I have seen this a lot in college classes, where asking a question is not done for the purpose of clarification or gaining insight, but it is used as a challenge, or an introduction to the question-asker really just airing his or her own opinions. This, of course, it also detrimental to the learning process, but also feels pretty unnatural in a social situation. Some of the best teachers I know are those that ask questions themselves. They ask questions to which the answers are not only important for them, but for everyone around them who can hear their inquiry. Tronster, a friend of mine, excels at this tremendously. He will ask questions, both on mundane issues and issues which have a fair amount of depth and importance. But he simultaneously does several things with his question-asking... -He makes the person he's asking feel special, valuable, paid-attention to, smart, or otherwise worth asking a question of -He exposes assumptions in the things that are being said which often need to be addressed. -He displays an attractive humility which causes his credibility to be higher because no one assumes that he thinks he is too well-informed to continue learning...he leads the way as a learner without drawing the focus of the interaction onto himself in a self-serving way. I want to be a better asker of questions. I want to be a better conversationalist. I want to continually improve in the art of talking with a person, through which the exchange of thoughts, feelings, and opinions increases my appreciation of the other person, causes me to reflect critically upon myself, and help me grow. It is a skill and a focus which I see in short supply in our culture, and the environments where groups of people gather often do not help facilitate this interaction. Hurting people pay good money to have "someone to talk to." And even trained psychologists (good ones, anyway), who are supposed to have the answers, often do not provide them but instead listen and allow the people to discover the answers that they already had access to, but were unaware of their presence. How does one become better at this? And how does one do so in a way that builds others up all while benefitting the person who is seeking to improve? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
3:33 pm	Somewhat busy Things at Krav Maga MD (www.kravmd.com) are pretty good right now. I'm really busy, which would be my preference as opposed to having nothing to do. I'm seriously looking into the MA in Theology at The Ecumenical Institute of Theology at St. Mary's University and Seminary in Baltimore. It's very accessible travel-wise, and both the professors and the coursework is highly ecumenical, as the name suggests. This is also one of the few programs I'm pretty sure I would be able to do while working for Krav Maga. So, I've been very excited to begin that process. Holidays are fast approaching, and I don't think it has hit me yet. Michelle and I haven't decorated the house really in any way. I actually think I would enjoy Christmas more if other people didn't act like I owe it to them to make it a big deal. Some things are actually more enjoyable in a low-key manner. Two weeks ago at Horizon I preached on the topic of having a lifestyle of worship. A few observations about this time around: -From a public speaking perspective, I made fewer mistakes and was less nervous than ever before...however...this may be because... -I felt less excited to speak. It seemed much more like a job to do, whereas before it has felt like an event that I am experiencing. -I had a particularly difficult time relating to the topic on which I was preaching the week before I actually was. I have experienced an intimacy with God day to day, hour to hour before. It's amazing and sweet, inexplicable to those who have never experienced it. But the past few weeks, the weeks where the idea has been on my mind the most, it has been far from it. This is part of a larger feeling of plateau in my spiritual life which I've been thinking through. So here are some potential answers for that, with attendant solutions. *At this point in my life, I have less clear mentorship from someone older than I have in the past. Solution? Find someone who can pour into me, sharpen me, teach me, etc. and recieve from them. *So much of my spirituality is tied to intellectual exercise. I think deep thoughts about God, I explore, I discuss...I feel His presence closer. It makes it more real. That had a lot to do with my academic pursuits, which have been finished as of the summer, and which won't pick up again until next fall probably. Potential solutions? Grad school, which I already mentioned, but also making sure to spend sufficient time with particular friends who challenge me both spiritually and intellectually. Also, setting aside time to read on a regular basis helps too. Answer? Doing a study of some sort that is regimented, so there is a beginning and an end. Also, accountability with other people on this stuff would help, too. *Spiritual disciplines, or lack thereof---I used to be much more committed to daily prayer, reading, worship...not a day went by that I didn't spend 20-30 minutes doing nothing but praying. If not, I felt like most people feel when they go all day without eating. *Sin issues...individual issues where I continue to put myself in front of other people...times where my pride gets in the way, etc. etc. Let me make it clear...I don't believe that solving any one of these issues would break the plateau. But as long as this is the case, I can't help but wonder. Oh, there's also another possible answer...it may be that nothing is wrong, and trying to "fix" it just isn't the right approach to my relationship with God. So, we'll have to leave room for that possibility too. Don't think I'm whining. Things are good...usually they're really good. But if things are so good, then why do I just feel okay all the time, not full of joy, peace, and love? (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
2:11 pm	needs Usually people have a tendency to think about giving to others in this way: If I am doing well, if I have no needs, than I'm free to give. If I'm hurting, doing poorly, have needs which are desperately not being filled, then I'm not free to give, because I have nothing to give...I need to recieve. But recently, when I've been down, when I've felt God far away, when my prayers seem cold, one thing that is highly rehabilitative is to simply look to the needs of others around me. It is oftentimes easier to feel communion with God praying for others than to pray for myself, even praying specifically for the strength of my communion with God. I take inventory of myself and I see: 1) I need to pray more. 2) I need to stop constantly pursuing my selfish desires etc. etc. etc. But then I have the thought...what if what I really need is to stop being so needy? A newer Dave Matthews song has the song lyric "When you give, you begin to live." Honestly, Christ offers this in abundance...is it possible that keeping after my own needs is akin to seeking out my own life? As in, he who seeks out his own life will lose it, but he who loses it for (Christ's) sake will gain it? And how do we know when a person truly has little to offer others, but has abundant needs that must be attended to first? When does that necessity cease to be simple selfishness? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
10:57 am	The competitor` 1 Corinthians 9- 24Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. 26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. 27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. Lately, as I've engaged more in martial arts training lately, I've had the chance to exercise a basic practice that many great fighters have done over the centuries. It's commonly called shadowboxing. The idea is that you imagine an opponent in front of you, and you initiate an imaginary fight with attacks of whatever discipline you're doing. For me, shadowboxing involves punches, kicks, elbow and knee strikes, switching directions, getting good movement, making sure my hands are up in between strikes, and that I'm light on my feet. I'm not going slow motion...all my movements should be sharp and combat-sufficient...so if someone were to immediately appear in front of me, my strikes would damage them. There's only one problem with this practice. It's not real. Your target is not real. The strikes hit air, and my blocking techniques do not protect me because there is nothing to protect against. The exercise is, in many ways, only as good as my vivid imagination will allow it to be. In ancient Greece and Rome, athletic games were important for plenty of reasons...not just for entertainment or exercise...they were preperation for war. The same runners who competed in races would, within the same year, be charging at their enemy fully armed with the intent to kill their opponent. When swords and spears are lost in the confusion of combat, boxing and wrestling are how you stay alive...throwing a discus, a javelin...all measures of one's ability to throw projectile weapons in an attempt to increase one's safe distance from the enemy. Paul is saying here that the Christian life is not like the shadowboxing that so many fighters would engage in. A man who fights the air easily imagines himself the winner, but accomplishes nothing other than the rote exercise of his techniques. The Christian life is not this. Rather it is like the fight for which a boxer is preparing. Run...fight...live as though it were to win. Don't just pedal like you're out for a Sunday cruise...bike like Lance Armstrong. It's not a pickup game of basketball...it's the championship. That thought changes radically how I should pray...how I should pursue people...how I should love my wife...how I should lead worship. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
3:02 pm	Freshness and conviction So, all went well in los angeles. I had thought that I would post more, because since I was pretty alone, I figured I would do lots of writing. But, instead I got to meet people pretty quickly and spent time with them instead. I ended up passing with flying colors, although nothing about the process could be described as "easy". Since I've gotten back, I've found it relatively easy to be consistent with the practice of spiritual disciplines. I don't know why specifically now consistent prayer and Scripture reading has come easily...or has felt more urgent...or something. I don't know if it's been easier, it's just felt more important lately. I guess I feflt convicted about praying to know God better, grow closer to him, and recognize my need for him in a bunch of situations, but then turn around and not to do the simple things that I've been doing for years that will accomplish the things that I'm coming to him for in the first place. I don't agree with the statement that God helps those who help themselves, but I do agree that when you're drowning and you pray for God to save you, but you keep on rejecting the lifeboat on the premise that "God will save me"...there is a problem there. If I can orient my life to grow closer to God, and yet I fail to do so, then am I rejecting the very answer to prayer that God is giving me? How much assistance do i really need to increase the blessings of peace, joy, direction, and intimacy from God? So, I've just been thankful because a renewed intimacy with God has touched me in all sorts of ways. I've been more sensitive to subtle manifestations of my own selfishness. I've been able to be a better husband, a better friend, a better leader, even a better bartender. I've recognized more quickly my tendancy to trust my own wisdom, and my own wisdom and "clarity of thought" has been pretty unsatisfying lately. It's a good place to be. But what causes such hunger for God, when at other times I feel so lethargic and callous toward all things spiritual? How do I maintain a healthy relationship with God when the warm fuzzies aren't there? Maybe I just shouldn't question and do what I know I should and let the feelings come and go as they please...take them as a blessing when they're there, and not miss them when they're absent. Is that even possible? Who knows. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 13th, 2005
9:27 am	City of Angels So, here I am in L.A. I'm holed up in a Best Western on Sepulveda blvd....about ten minutes from the beach, and about 3/4 of a mile away from the Krav Maga national training center, which denotes why I am here. Yesterday I flew from Baltimore to Atlanta, then got on a different plane and flew from Atlanta to Los Angeles. Things have gone relatively smoothly, with the exception of a few cool things happening. Last night after I got settled into the hotel, I went walking to find the training center. I couldn't find it, even though it was supposed to be very close and easily spotted. I got really discouraged, and as I walked the streets of L.A., I felt like I was in that Red Hot Chili Peppers song...cheesy I know, but that's how I felt...I felt really lonely. So, the last place I wanted to go into to ask directions (for those of you who know, I don't like Starbucks one bit). However, I went in and asked the barista if she knew where the Krav Maga place was...yes, it's a martial arts training thing... "Well, no, I don't know where it is, but those two ladies over there were talking about some kind of martial arts...let me go ask them..." So, I met Erin and Karen...both women from Boston, coming together to do the same Phase A training that I'm here to do!!! Good stuff. So I chatted with them, which was encouraging to hear that they're nervous too. Plus, in a selfish manner, I'm pretty sure I have good experience compared to them, so whatever...just reminded me of what Matt and Bryan have told me...that I'll do fine. So I went to the training center, watched a few classes. The place is absolutely bustling with activity...large groups in the lobby, and two full workout rooms. A pro-shop with equipment and apparal...and a big administrative area behind the desk. I got to talk to Tammi, who was a new student who was still a Level 1 student, whose friends had gone on recently, and we were watching the class where they were working out (which is level 2...Krav Maga Maryland doesn't have level 2 students yet...) Anyway, so I left feeling better, and I walked back to that Starbucks to thank the barista, which I did. Then I noticed some cool, relatively cheap places to eat dinner (Quizno's, Baja Fresh, etc.) I walked by Baja Fresh, and I noticed some guys sitting outside with Bibles. So I figured it wouldn't hurt to introduce myself to them...I talked to them for a long time. It was so uplifting. I really felt a ton better after just looking at some Scripture with them, and sharing what God was doing in my life, and hearing from them. I might go to church with them tomorrow morning, or attend a meeting with them during the week or something. But it was great. So, Day 1 training starts today at 1 pm (it's 9:30 in the morning right now, but I'm still on Eastern time so I feel like it's about noon) I need to take ibuprofin before I even go, because i'll definitely be hurting. Watching the level 2 class there made me feel better though (of course, none of them were training to be instructors). I'll get registered, and all will be off to a running start. I'm just doing whatever I can to keep from being lonely, and to meet some new people in the area...it's good stuff. God, remind me that you are with me just as you have been. Speak to me and show me what I need in this testing time. Strengthen me physically and spiritually. Do your work in me to change me and make me more like who you are. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
6:35 pm	Desires in/out of God Livejournal post 8.1.05 “Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” This verse from Psalms has been on my mind recently. For several somewhat unrelated reasons, I feel drawn to the truth to be held in this verse. First, I realize that it is only until I have found my ultimate delight in God that I can expect my every desire to come true. True, God may grant me desires before I have fully found myself in him, but there is nothing indicating a promise for that. Second, I realize that an assumption found in this verse goes as follows: the desires of your heart will be given to you when they are also what God wants for you. In other words, our desires must be brought into line with God’s will before we can think of Him meeting those desires. And how does that happen? The first part of the statement. As we find our worth in God, as we delight ourselves in Him, our desires and our very hearts are transformed to be like God’s. And as this happens, the things which God provides for us are increasingly more what we know to be good and increasingly more what we actually desire. So, the desires of God and the desires of man, though formerly near-opposites (My thoughts are not your thoughts, says the Lord, nor are my ways your ways.), now are being merged into a singular will. The will of man has been patterned after his Father. As I ponder the implications of this, I realize my deep need for such a transformation of my will. Too often as a Christian I have assumed that I have the mind of Christ, and that what I want is what God wants for me. I fail to recognize that my desires and God’s desires are at odds…and that a surrender must take place in order for God’s will to be experienced. I fail to realize that, though it was the original intent of our very creation as humans, and in that sense, our delight in God is quite “natural”, it is very much NOT natural in the sense that it occurs naturally without decision, effort, or examination. Another implication of this verse goes as follows: Is it possible that, when I pursue sin, I am really experiencing a good desire, fulfilled partially by something that comes at a cost of separating me from God? For instance, when I allow lust to become a part of my daily experience, it spawns from a specific desire for pleasure. The desire for pleasure is not wrong. It is simply mis-fulfilled. The power of sin could conceivably shrivel up and die in my life if I understood the pleasure derived from fellowship with God. Also, a trust in the nature of God is vital in this process. Do I believe that God is capable of fulfilling my desire for pleasure so abundantly that I will truly not need to look elsewhere for the fulfillment of it? I seek to delight myself in the Lord. I want, more than anything, to find joy in His presence. I want the peace that only God can provide. And I want my desires to be such that they don’t conflict with God’s desires…so consistent with Him do I want my desires to be that I can honestly trust to receive from Him anything that is good…and anything I don’t have, I could be content with not having because I know that it is not within the realms of God’s heart, and therefore not within mine. This is a difficult challenge, but one worth pursuing. God, give me the grace to be delighted with you and only you. Let the desires of my heart be conformed to yours. God, let the power of sin in my life disintegrate because the reasons for the pursuit of such sin are met fully in you. Let me trust that as I arrange my heart in accordance with yours, that you will make good on your promise to give me those desires which conform to the fulfillment of your will. And let this whole process occur in a manner that brings those around me into a greater, deeper, and sweeter knowledge of you, and in a manner that honors and glorifies you. In Jesus’ name, Amen. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 29th, 2005
2:04 am	Prayer Dear Lord, Thanks for prayer. I appreciate it so much, yet nowhere near as much as I could. Thanks for a method of communication that comes so naturally to us...spoken language. And thanks that prayer goes deeper than that, into unspoken needs, into the things our hearts feel but our words cannot express. God, I pray for Michelle. I pray that she would be built up in you, that she would experience deep intimacy with you. I pray that you would use her to strengthen others, make disciples of others, help others heal, and teach others. I pray that you would give her a focus upon you that would help her let everything else fade away. I pray for our marriage...that I would be the husband you want me to be, and that she would be the wife you've made her to be. I pray that we'd set ourselves and our desires aside for the needs of one another. I thank you that you've given us all our marriage needs, and I pray that we would come to you for all of it. I pray, Lord, for Horizon. God I pray that you would break through the things that people struggle with. Lord, even as I type these things, I pray that you would encourage me and others to pray more diligently concerning the needs of others. God, break the bondage of different dependancies...of sexual sin, of drugs and alcohol dependancy...of fear, of insecurity. God, make Horizon a safe place for people with needs. Make Horizon a community where such desperate needs are met by your Spirit. Equip us to love one another in our weakness, and to love one another out of weakness. I thank you for a sense of worship in this community, and I pray you would increase it. I thank you so much for the understanding and love for people of diverse backgrounds and journies, and I pray that you would blend us together into a body of seekers who know that we'll find You. God, I pray for my future. I don't know what you have in store for me, but God, let me trust that whatever it is, it is better than anything I could construct on my own. And let me understand that I don't need to know the future...that trusting you with what will happen is safer and more joyous by far. Increase my trust for you in this time of transition. Give me a safe trip to LA, and protect my heart and spirit from attack...protect my body from injury, protect my mind from distraction. Let me give my absolute best in training, and though I seek to learn to fight physically, that I would understand peace spiritually. Lord, I ask for your peace. So often I lack it. Whether it be a guilty conscience, stress over worldly concerns, or entertaining distractions, I don't experience the peace of You, which transcends all understanding. I want to trust you with everything...my marriage, my job, my future, my safety, my friendships...Teach me to do this, because I lack the knowledge of how. God, I also lack the wisdom to do pretty much anything of worth. God, you tell us to ask you for wisdom, and it will be given. This is me asking. Thank you that because of your promise, I don't have to think twice about whether or not I'll recieve it. God, I love you, and I want to know you more. I want others to know you more because of me. I want those who have never known you to know you because of the way I live, the way I love them, and the way I pursue you. Use me in the lives of others. Give me the words and the actions to represent you well. Give me the Spirit to set myself aside and seek the benefit of others. Cleanse my words and my mind so that my motives and my methods are not tainted too much by my sinful heart. God, I pray for worship this weekend. Thanks for giving me a friend who I can trust to share the burden. Help me to prepare, pick songs, and get my heart right before you so that I can facilitate worship in a way that pleases you. Let me simply be more focused on pleasing you. God, help me to set aside the desire to please people, and to be concerned about their opinions. Though I know many think well of me, it often is for things that aren't from you...and it would be better for them to think less of me and for me to release the things that I use to draw attention to myself. God, humble me and make me less concerned about myself. Let me put others first. God, lead me to your word and to prayer. Lead me to fast and seek and worship and draw close to you. Lead me to be a friend of you, to be ever-mindful of your presence in my life. Let not my sin take my focus off of you, but only let it increase my understanding of your forgiveness in my life, and the sweetness of living a life in you. Thank you for this life, and i pray that by your strength and grace I would make the most of it. In Your name, Amen (Comment on this)
Friday, July 8th, 2005
9:45 am	Intimacy So, what makes it the case that you really know someone? Why is it so painful when you find out that someone you thought you knew really well, it turns out that you don't? What kinds of expectations can you have for really coming to know someone? Some people would say that true intimacy comes from knowing all about someone-even their faults, and still loving them anyway. I mean, that's how a good family functions, right? But I find that there are people I know very little about..and I find myself trusting them anyways. Does that make for a good relationship? All these questions have come up as a result of a good friend of mine being shaken by the revelation that he doesn't know certain people as well as he previously assumed. The mutual positive impact that he can have on those folks, and vice versa, is remarkably less as a result. But then I think of Jesus. There were people who met him, and the only intimacy that developed was that of a vendor giving a free lunch to a crowd of people. Consequently, those individuals were left with a relatively low understanding of who Jesus was in relationship to them. That's not for lack of wanting to know...they followed him around to the detriment of probably their jobs and other daily endeavors. But of all the people who were called disciples (which were many, many more than 12), only 12 were permitted to live, eat, and minister alongside of them. When Jesus laid down a difficult teaching that appalled and offended many, they left. Apparantly these followers of Jesus didn't know their Rabbi as well as they thought...they made sacrifices to follow him, only to choose to leave him over a confusing and seemingly ghastly command. Rather than stick with him and place what they knew about Jesus (that he claimed to be ringing in the Kingdom of God) over and above what rattled them, they gave up on the relationship. They called it quits. Here's the account: John 6:53 " Jesus said to them, "I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food and my blood is real drink. Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood remains in me, and I in him." The larger group of disciples got frustrated and probably began to talk about Jesus behind his back... " On hearing it, many of his disciples said, "This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?" Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, "Does this offend you? What if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit[e] and they are life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe." For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, "This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled him." From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him." Probably hurting but understanding the truth of why these individuals left, Jesus turned toward his closer friends, considering that some might want to join those who left... ""You do not want to leave too, do you?" Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God." What I find immediately interesting about this whole conversation is that nowhere in the text does it say that those 12 friends of Jesus understood his teachings any better than the big group that left. Knowing Jesus all the better may have given them even more reason to be concerned with his cannibalistic command. But Simon, rather than interpreting Jesus' teaching in an amicable manner, or seeking to reconcile the confusion, simply states what they know to be true of Jesus...that they believe and know that Jesus is the Holy One of God. The simple thing they knew about Jesus over-rode any other contradictions or misgivings they may have had about Jesus' teaching. At other places in Scripture, nine of the twelve (the ones who weren't Peter, James, and John) must have known that those special three were seeing parts of Jesus' life and work that they weren't invited to be a part of. Did that de-value the amazing nature of what they had seen? Did that cause the other nine to question their relationship with Jesus, because there were significant parts which they weren't involved in? Perhaps, but I doubt it. Can we be the same way with people that we love? When we find out things that don't make sense, or that we don't like...can we fall back on the things which we know to be ultimately true about these people? What does it take to literally change everything we know to be true about a person? The 12 disciples...the ones that didn't leave...must have thought "How can the Holy One of God be telling us to eat the flesh of a person, much less his own?? Is this the same One who has come from the God who commanded us not to even consider eating the flesh and blood of a human? There's got to be an explanation for this that somehow makes sense!!" I think what Peter was partially saying was "I don't understand Jesus. Your teaching scares me, because it goes against everything I know to be from God as a Jew. But where else am I going to go? If I stop being in relationship with you, I know it will never come to make sense. So, I can do nothing else BUT continue to be with you and wait for this situation to make more sense...which may be awhile..." Obviously, Peter waited quite some time until that fateful Passover meal when it must have all made sense to him as Jesus said of the Passover cup "This is my blood..." and of the unleavened bread..."this is my body...take and eat..." Who knows, maybe a sigh of relief rippled through the room as a scary teaching all of the sudden made sense...and ultimately became the act of rememberance that all Christians everywhere have practiced and continue to practice throughout history and the world. Simply put, the disciples trusted Jesus. The ones that left didn't trust him enough for his teaching to eventually make sense. They trusted him even when they didn't have all the information...in fact, I don't think there would have been reason to trust him if they had enough information to let things make sense. Their trust was validated BECAUSE it didn't make sense...because it was incongruent with what they already knew...but their trust in what they already knew superceded what they were thrown off by. Can we do that with people that we know now??? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, July 4th, 2005
1:29 pm	Augustine et.al. My last post was over a month ago. Lately, I've been really getting a lot out of Augustine's Confessions. It's been great to be really fed by what I'm reading, because it's been awhile since I had something that hit me strongly. Also, Michelle is temporarily home during the day, so it's not like we have to work super hard at getting a good amount of time to spend together. Things seem to be clicking along, although another period of transition is coming up. Of course, thinking about past posts on this blog, it seems like I'm ALWAYS in transition. Is there anything unhealthy about looking at my life that way? The instructors at Krav Maga offered me a position, assuming that I get sent to LA and pass the certification for instruction. That will be quite a physical trial, but I'm excited about the opportunity. One of the things I'm most excited about is being less dependant upon the restaurant industry for my income...because that's an ever-present source of stress in my life over the past several years. School is drawing to a close, and yet it seems quite anti-climactic...and I'm putting off the long-distance seminary work for at least a semester. But we'll see how things work out. (Comment on this)
Monday, May 30th, 2005
1:12 am	Adventures in not quite fitting in Tonight was the first night since I stopped drinking (about two weeks ago) when I've been out with friends and I sincerely felt like I was out of place. For one, I felt lonely. People wanted to know why I wasn't drinking. A bartender I know who noticed I ordered a Diet Coke jokingly asked, "What, are you back on the wagon?" I explained about Krav Maga and working out a ton and not being able to drink very much b/c of that. But that's not the real reason. As Mark put it, there are "layers" as to why I quit and I generally only share the majority of them with close friends who are also Christians, who understand what it is to fight the behaviors and impulses which would hinder a relationship with God. Something I just realized as I sit down to write this is that, when I make a decision like that, I feel like I owe others an explanation. Randy and Sylvain (two regulars at my bar at Outback, who have also become good friends) were also at the bar I went to after work, and I explained to them some of the reasons why I wasn't drinking. Problem is...I didn't have to tell them a damned thing. And, I put myself in a situation where I have to explain myself...where I have to justify my decision...and that de-values the decision itself. It doesn't need defending. It can stand on its own. And then, when I dive deeper into self-reflection, I think maybe the reason I give so many surface-level explanations as to why I'm not drinking is because I'm trying to deflect any possible lack of acceptance. I want people to accept me. I want people to think I'm cool, that I fit in. When you're at a bar, choosing not to drink is only okay under a few circumstances: 1) If your primary job doesn't allow it under specific conditions...2) If you're hung over and you drank too much the day before, where friends can validate your claim on that point...3) There's a physical health risk, such as medication. So, I find myself manufacturing all sorts of reasons that I'm not drinking. And those reasons are geared toward people not thinking less of me, but seeing some worldly wisdom in it. And there is worldly wisdom in exercising control. But that's not what led me to this decision. I guess in the process of choosing not to drink, I'm finding out how insecure I really am about whether or not people accept me. Putting my acceptance...putting parts of my reputation on the line...it's scarier than I thought, and it requires more faith than I think I had previously calculated. I felt so seperated from people tonight...and I was generally among people who like me and think well of me. How little courage might I display around people who know me very little or not at all? It also brings up the question: when I turned 21, how much of a motivating factor was popularity and acceptance in my decisions regarding drinking? And how damaging of a motivation is that, even when the amount of alcohol I drink is within safe range and my behavior isn't dangerous or even questionable? It makes me wonder what conditions will make me feel comfortable with ever drinking again...how can I be sure that I'm not just making decisions to win over people's approval to fill my heart with something other than God? I need to confess the sin of placing human approval and acceptance above and beyond the search for God. I need to confess the compromise that has occurred as a result. I need to come to God and ask him to make me secure in His opinion of me, and nothing else. "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ. " Galatians 1:10. Though taken out of context, this is what jumped into my mind as I typed the need for confession. The approval of men is set against that of God. They are phrased as mutually exclusive. Though some men might be pleased with the result of one's godly service, they cannot be sought out simultaneously. God, have mercy on me that I might seek to be a servant of you rather than please those people around me. Though they are people made in your image, and b/c of that they are infinitely valuable, their opinion of me holds no value when compared to your opinion of me. Let me see myself more as you see me, and let me begin to see others more as you see them. Give me the strength to act in a way that pleases you, and disregard the potential pain of lowering the priority of other people's judgments of me. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 24th, 2005
3:19 pm	Proverbs 25:28 "Like a city whose walls have been broken down is a man who lacks self-control" So, as an Ancient Studies major, I have had the opportunity to learn about many times in history when great cities have been besieged. In my Crusades class, Nicaea, Antioch, Jerusalem, Constantinople. In other classes, Troy, Athens, Sparta, Babylon, Carthage, etc. These are places which have been cultural centers, military superpowers, political innovators, religious leaders. And at whatever time in history these cities have had one thing in common. They have had walls...and their walls protected them from certain destruction. The walls of the city were indicative of their greatness, their power. They embraced their inhabitants, kept out enemies, and made sure the glory of the city would last another attack. And at some point in time, the walls of these cities were breached. They were broken down. And what immediately followed, in nearly every case, was a city demolished...a people slaughtered and raped, and an identity lost. If the invaders didn't destroy the city, they re-inhabited it, changed the feel of the city..reinstituted it, and still destroyed the buildings which defined the people...in Jerusalem, the Temple was destroyed...in other cities, the statues of the city's gods were smashed. In Constantinople, the churches were converted to mosques. If my heart is a city, then self-control is like the walls of the city. Without it, I am vulnerable. I have lost what makes me me. I have lost identity, and I have nothing to secure my safety. In Nehemiah, when he found out about his home city of Jerusalem, here was his response... " 3 They said to me, "Those who survived the exile and are back in the province are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem is broken down, and its gates have been burned with fire." 4 When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven." Then, he immediately gets the authority from his king to go and get the resources, and go back to Jerusalem, to rebuild the walls. Nehemiah is an amazing story of how the walls of Jerusalem are rebuilt to protect the people of God from her enemies. I need self-control. I need the walls of my heart to be rebuilt. I need to realize the urgency of such a project. I need God to speak to me about how he might give me the resources to give me self-control in all areas of my life. I'm excited for what he might do through this... (Comment on this)
Monday, May 23rd, 2005
2:04 am	More transitional transitions My life is gradually changing into something it was not before. Gradually, but quickly. Not abruptly, b/c I can see most of the change coming. But still quickly. On tuesday I have my final, then I have 2 five-week classes, then another five week class, then I am done with college for now. I'll have my degree. That also means that I'll have to find a "real" job. Last week, at link group, we spent nearly an hour and a half in solid prayer for one another. It felt good, although I feel like I was a bit too selfish to appreciate fully what was going on. Anyway, a major theme was praying for job futures for people. The next day, I got two alterations to the job horizon. First, Chuck (my proprieter) at Outback offered me a position as "key", which is like an hourly shift manager. That'll open up some opportunities. Then, later that day, I went to train at a new martial arts gym, doing an Israeli style of fighting called "Krav Maga". I love it, by the way. More on that later. But, Brian, one of the instructors, began to talk to me about possibly training to become an instructor. That would pay quite well, and I would love it. Right now, I'm fighting getting my hopes up too much, but still putting everything into this newfound training in order that I might set myself up to do this job as best as I can. Even the feel of the gym is great...inviting, but to work hard. I love it. Meanwhile, there's something different going on in my mind as far as my self-image, and I think it's related to doing Krav Maga. Growing up I think I took for granted how much the "fighting spirit" impacted how I act, think, etc. But now it's like a part of me that was dormant has been re-awakened. A part that is loud, passionate, and aggressive. For so long I've been in situations and been appreciated for intellectual activities. Rational, un-emotional, calm. But I got out of shape, and even worse, I got less disciplined, and less confident...now words like "drive, determination" are on my mind, and i'm realizing how necessary that was for the fight ahead. Anyway, so I'm quite glad to be training again. Along with physical, and more importantly, spiritual health, I'm taking an extended step back from drinking. I've realized so much dead weight has entered my life via the bar scene, hanging out with people from work. For one, my schedule is off. Two, I spend less time with Michelle. Three, every once in awhile I drink way too much and make bad decisions. Four, the social atmosphere is very conducive to other stuff like peer pressure, lack of self-control, etc. Fifth, it was expensive. And a lot of the time I spent in that situation was due to the fact that I wanted to share my faith...the very core of who I am...with my friends who i care about deeply. Now I guess I'll have to figure out other ways to do it, because I have other close friends...brothers in Christ, who will be calling me out if I start waffling or rationalizing stuff. The time is indefinite, but I won't go back until I know I can have good control. Link group is going great. People are leading each other...it's like it's on auto-pilot, and everything develops so naturally, so beautifully. People are meeting each other's practical needs, praying for one another, and newer people who come into the group are made to feel welcome and accepted. I'm so excited. Scott and Sarah are leaving soon, but the void of their leadership will only allow other people to step up into roles that God has long been preparing them for. It's so exciting to see. Worship stuff at horizon is also going well. There's a solid rotation of capable musicians who also have a heart for worship. IN truth, I only need to actually play half the time, and only half of that I'm actually leading the songs. It feels great, and it's less stressful to do it this way. No one leader is without their faults, however, and part of my role now is to encourage each of the other leaders to continue to strengthen their weaker points personally, as leaders, and as musicians. I'm still learning lessons about how God can and will use me despite my faults, even my sins. I am reminded in the past about how I acted pretty selfishly on a pretty regular basis, and how God used me then. And now, I still am stuck in some past modes of operation, but not as often, and not as strongly, but I tend to doubt that God will use me more than I used to. Strange, but putting it out on the screen helps to eliminate the lie that any of this depends upon me. Clay's sermon today had a lot to do with perseverance and character being shaped by suffering. A lot of it had to do with living like a Christian when we're not feeling it. For me, that's a lot of the time. But, something else that was a theme was the idea that often we have to do what we know is right without any motivation other than it is who we are deciding to be at that moment. For the immediate application in my life, often I don't feel like showing Michelle love, so I don't. I go out with friends, I do stuff that will make me feel good. And so when I DO feel like loving Michelle well, often she's not available because of how i treated her during the times that my feelings weren't there. So, choosing to show Michelle love will actually lead me to love her more. Same with God. Choosing to spend time with God and pursue him will make me desire him more. The desire will then fuel the choices to pursue him...and so on... I feel like I'm in recovery spiritually, because it's been a week or two since I really sought God out and found him. Perhaps I need to buckle down and search for him with my heart, and the feelings may or may not come...but I know that I will be defined by one who loves God enough to search for him... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005
4:29 pm	Job future Still thinking about job stuff for next fall. There are three or four scenarios that I can think of right now. One is that i can get a 9-5 job, which I'm not too excited about because if it's not something that holds my interest, I literally have a tendancy to get depressed about it. Another drawback is that I'll probably have to cut back much of my involvement in Horizon, which is one of my greatest joys right now. The plus side is that I'll probably have a high degree of financial stability, which will most likely make Michelle's school experience easier. Another opportunity is possibly getting a bartending job down in the city in Baltimore, where I'd make a good amount more money than at Outback. It would also provide the financial stability that a 9-5 job would, and it would allow for a more flexible schedule which would help me stay involved in Horizon to the same extent that I am now. A big drawback is that I wouldn't really be moving forward in the job situation and the life maturity that I have right now. I feel like I'm just biding time in the restaurant industry, and I don't know that I really like that idea, but it's more bearable than the first opportunity. Another option is to just get a few different part-time jobs to supplement Outback and continue to make money there...but that would restrict my schedule, and that would be frustrating to stay at Outback for awhile. Also, depending on the jobs, it might not provide the financial aspect that Michelle and I need next year. And the schedule issue might actually kill my Horizon stuff in the same way that a 9-5 professional job would. A final option is to seek a ministry career at another church. That would be something I think I could really be passionate about, but not as much as at Horizon. It would probably provide for Michelle and me the way we need...but it would mean leaving Horizon, which really actually scares me because I just plain love it so much there. I almost don't want to consider the possibility of leaving Horizon right now. We'll see. I guess I have no idea how things will go, so I don't want to start forcing my hand. Right now I require a high degree of trusting God to provide for a balance between practical needs and internal motivations...and most times I feel like I do trust Him in that, but every once in awhile I get a little worked up about it. So, I need to be in prayer about it, and keeping my eyes open for opportunities. I also need to be seriously thinking about how to maximize the scheduling and financial benefits of whatever job situation I end up with... (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
1:09 pm	Relieved I just got finished another "paper gauntlet" in that I wrote a 14 page paper in the course of one night. On one hand I hate doing things that way (three Red Bulls and four cups of coffee...) but on the other, something about the pressure of a deadline produces my best writing. Could it be that, as in other areas of life, looking to accomplish something that appears somewhat impossible is actually what allows us to do more than we thought we could. There is a lot that will occur over the next few months that is so uncertain. Michelle doesn't know what sort of job she will do over the summer. I don't know what sort of career things I will be doing...but a church I have a few friends at asked me to consider being their youth pastor. I told them I would pray about it, and so far I don't really think it's something I'm interested in. It made me realize that I was truly, truly scared of ever leaving Horizon. It seems like anywhere I go would be a major step back, because so many of the other emergent churches out there are more polished, more trendy, and cooler than Horizon, but not as strong on vision, passion, and amazingly loving people. We're going to be doing a series on the Celtic Way of Evangelism again, although we won't be doing so much of the historical stuff as the application to today. The big tag line for the whole deal is "Belonging before belief". And it's strange, because I know I affirm people being a part of a truly Christian community before they've made a decision for faith. I mean, I spent a solid six months with individuals in the Young Life brand of community, learning, hearing, and observing before I made any faith, and I knew I belonged to that group and was fully accepted into the group BEFORE I made any decision to appropriate or assent to any actual beliefs. I'm really wondering how the Roman model of intellectual assent coming before acceptance by the community ever got a hold in church culture. At some times thinking about this issue I believe that the acceptance of a community of faith preceding any actual faith on the part of the individual is purely a cultural thing which, according to the values of a certain worldview or people group, can change and shift according to the values of that society. For instance, in ancient Athens, most every community of intellectual or religious grouping had formal initiation which included affirmation of the group's beliefs before you were accepted into the group. This tradition carried into the Roman Empire, which transferred into the early church. But my question comes in at this point: Is there something inherent in the human emotional structure which has a need for acceptance? In other words, would the Celtic model work better in every situation in every culture, because acceptance is a more important psychological and social need than agreement? It's at this point when I'm not questioning the Celtic model..it's the Roman model I'm having trouble affirming. The reason this is so important is because Clay and Jon and I were talking about how we need to draw ties between a traditional view of church (the Roman model) where you generally have to agree to certain beliefs before you're really accepted into the group. If it's found out that you are interacting with the group while not actually believing the things that the group believes, individuals who are within the group make it their primary objective to convince you of the beliefs so that you can then subsequently enter into the community in the fullest sense. Two immediate problems I see are this...at this point, you're giving people who believe one thing a greater personal value than those who don't. You're communicating a lack of value for people's mere presence, because that's not enough for them to belong. They need to agree with you. The other thing is this...there are people who attend church as Christians who truly believe that Christ is real and active in their lives, but for a variety of reasons are sincerely disconnected to the community surrounding them. So we find by mere observation that belief does not always lead to belonging (not that belonging necessarily always leads to belief...but you get where I'm going here...) So are there universal human needs that are met by the Celtic model of evangelism, or does it just happen that our culture in America in the 21st century, as did the Celtic culture and many others, value acceptance over and above agreement? Further, there are groups all around me that are fully a part of this postmodern American culture, who do value acceptance over agreement, which I would not be accepted into because of what I believe. Take a group of radical feminists, or a group of homosexual activists. i would be de-valued in those environments because I don't believe as they do. Are these examples of reactions to a culture, at which Christianity used to be intrinsically connected, which ALSO didn't accept people unless they agreed with the group at large? These groups, which are marked by seperating themselves out from society, follow the same pattern as a strongly fundamentalist church who would provide condemnation for those who have serious concerns or problems with the truth claims of Christianity. So is there any way at all to affirm the Roman way of evangelism? Is there any sense in which it might be redeemed, any place where affirming people's unity of belief over and above someone's personhood is actually appropriate? Is it ever appropriate to exclude people from involvement in a Christian community because they don't believe in Christ? Can the Celtic model be taken too far, by which we somehow compromise the Gospel itself by accepting those individuals who have certain beliefs into our midst? Or will it always inevitably occur that a true Christian community will be moving people toward Christ and Christlikeness, regardless of the previously held beliefs of those people? I love having a laptop with wireless internet access...this way I don't have to wait until I get home in order to get these thoughts "down on paper", so to speak!!! (Comment on this)